7 Tips in Managing Your Relationship Boundaries

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Hey, it's Debbie, and I wanted to talk about the idea of spiritual intelligence in terms of relationships with other people. Some of the most widely asked questions that come my way are:




I cover seven key points in this video above, and I'll go through them relatively quickly so that you can get this information. These seven key points really talk about how you can start to better manage your relationship energy with other people on a very spiritual and invisible level or layer. Because let's face it, the physical is the last bit of you that connects with someone. The first bit is your energy, your vibration, your connection. That's the first thing that triggers. So let's go through the seven.

Firstly, if you are aware of you and them and where your energy stops and starts and where there's does, that is the first thing to put you in power. So we want to know really-- they're an energetic being. They've come into your field. And you just need to know where you stop and they start. And that starts to become apparent if they come into your field and your mood changes, whether it's anxiety or whether it sets off something or whether it's love energy. It's just about you understanding how their energy impacts yours. And as soon as you understand and you start to realise that there's a stop and start point with energy coming together, then that's the first part of the whole equation of just being aware as opposed to going in blindly. And then you're just sitting in their energy, and you're disappearing into it or being swallowed into it. I want you to be aware that you have your own power source, and they have theirs. And the coming together is a point in time.

Many of us, accidentally, for lots of different reasons, take on other people's feelings. Now, you probably heard of the word "empath", which is someone who does an extreme version of that, where they feel what someone's feeling and they hold it, and it becomes their feeling. But even if you're not an empath and you're more like me and you just happen to be aware of feelings, it's really good to just remember and to tell yourself that that's their feelings. Or if they're feeling sad, I don't need to feel sad, too. Or if they're feeling anxious, I don't need to make it okay for them. So it's a really, really big point with this number two about your feelings versus their feelings and not trying to make it okay, take them away, feel them or hold them. And so that's huge. Just if you start with that second point, you start to get your power back and your vibration back.

I've got a case study on this one because it's so interesting. It kind of goes on from point number two. And that is if you're taking on someone's feelings or feel responsible for that outcome, like I'm responsible that they feel happy, or I need to make them feel calm, or I need to make it okay for them, whether it's a lover, partner, friend, a boss at work or colleague, it's not okay to do that because firstly, it sets you up to take on their stuff and to hold it and have that whole baggage in your energy field. And we'll talk more about energy fields later. But you have an energy field around your body. And if you're saying, "I need them to feel X, Y, Z," you're pretty much saying, "Come sit in my energy, and I'll hold it. And I'm not okay unless you're not okay." That sets you up to be hijacked again and again. So if you're the kind of person that wants everyone to be happy, that's beautiful. But take off the, "They need to be happy, and that makes me okay." Rather position it like, "I'd love them to be happy. Dot, dot, dot. But if they're not, that's not on me. I can't make someone do something, right?" That traditional line of I can lead a horse to water, but I can't make it drink. You can offer up this beautiful happy vibration and experience, but if they're not going to take it up, then you can't make them. And you thinking that you can just creates this massive energy clog in your own space.

A client of mine is amazing. She's an incredible high-vibration, high-integrity person. She's a really senior person in the corporate working world in America. And she is the kind of person that she's such a doer, and she's so effective and powerful that she started to feel like her boss's directives or her manager's directives were all her responsibility. So what was happening was she had all of her department responsibilities in her energy field. And as a result, she started to get pain in her body and almost that arthritic, rigid, locked up type of pain. And she couldn't figure out why she was getting all this pain because she's physically fine. And what we've realised is she was holding on to the outcomes of her boss's needs and outcomes, that she was literally becoming rigid and stuck energetically. And that was actually causing her physical pain. So not only does it cause you emotional pain if you start to hold other people's energies and feelings, but it can actually affect you on a health level. And I think a lot of sickness and health issues come from external holding on. Whether it's someone else's stuff or an outstanding conflict with someone, if you hold on to that energy vibration, you will get sick.

So if you think about when you have relationships with people, especially if you're either a little bit older or you're a little bit more together, often you'll play a guardian role where you'll help someone or you'll support someone or you'll look out for someone. And if you're a mother, you'll do that a lot. Or if you're a manager, you'll do that a lot. What I think's really interesting is there's a fine line between a guardian, which is like an elder, wise, all-knowing person that supports and holds people versus an enabler where you enable them to stay small, or you enable that person you're helping to act badly, or you let them get away with things so that you end up being more like a rescuer. So it's a really fine line between being wise, supportive, beautiful, connecting and holding versus enabling, rescuing, and letting someone stay small. Because if you're always mopping it up for them, they're going to stay small. People have to organise their own feelings. And a favourite saying of mine is, "I'm not responsible for your feelings." You have to organise your own feelings. I'm responsible for impacting you. I'm not going to be unkind or manipulative, but I'm not responsible for how you feel on a day-to-day basis because if I take that responsibility on, guess what, my energy gets clogged. That's point number four.

POINT NUMBER FIVE: DO YOU PLAY THAT VICTIM ROLE OR THAT DAMSEL IN DISTRESS, OR DO YOU PLAY THAT ROLE WHERE YOU'RE WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO PICK UP THE PIECES? Because it might be the opposite to the guardian. You might play that person that needs to be rescued. So think about your relationships and the quality of them and equality of them between you, whether it's mother, daughter or child, or father, daughter or child, or boss, colleague, work, friend, lover, whatever it is. It's about how do you have a more equal and stable relationship? Now, if it's a parent to you, obviously they're meant to be a guardian. But again, they're not meant to rescue you. So the idea is that how you play into relationships, and how do you turn up and hold your power and meet someone with equality and with power and with strength so that none of you falls into that rescue or victim role?

When you show up and meet people, whether they are new or existing people, do you have to change slightly to be who you are? Because the amount of people that have told me when they meet someone new and start dating them, for example, that at the beginning they're themselves, and they're having a good time. And then a month in or more, they start to get nervous. They want that person to keep liking them. They're worried about maybe rejection. I'm not sure. But they start to change, and they become a different person. And it's not a radical change like one day I'm this person, and now I'm here. But it's subtle, and little behaviours are changed and modified over time. And the problem with that is if you start to change and modify yourself to fit in with someone else's energy, then you become part of their energy. You fall into their game and their energy field and their needs. And you, this beautiful spirit that has its own needs and wants, you start to sort of disintegrate and unwind and unravel, and you lose yourself. And the amount of people that have said to me that after three months into the relationship, "I'd lost myself in that person." That's exactly how it starts. Subtle, small flexes. So my thought is, don't change who you are. Let people see the full brunt of you. Everyone has shadow and light. They're going to have to see both. Obviously, you're NOT going to lead with your shadow and go, "Here's what's awful about me." But people are going to have to expect and accept parts of you that aren't always the perfect version of the world because guess what, we're not in a perfect world, so don't flex and change. People will love you for who you are if you're meant to be friends, lovers, whatever the case.

I'm getting to the end, I promise. Point number seven is living in the past versus living in the future. So if you've got boundaries with people and energy relationships and you're connecting with people, OR, if you live in the past around your relationship of what should or shouldn't have happened or if you've got a history with someone and there's guilt or resentment or tension in the past, you're stuck in that bubble of the past. So your future or your present is unachievable. You can't become happy centred in the present. Or if you're living in the future where you're fearing or worrying about what's to happen, that's living in the fear of the unknown or the fear of them. That brings on anxieties. You're either living with fear or guilt or resentment if you're living in future or past. So the idea is that you want to stay in the present as much as possible and say, "I have a blank canvas with this person. I know what's happened in the past. I'm going to wave to my past behind me, make peace with it, not hold onto those things." If they're big things, I might be mindful of this person's behaviour, but if they're really big and they're really bad, then maybe you shouldn't be in their presence, or maybe they're not trustworthy. So the idea is to live in the present and let that moment evolve with that person and hold your power and hold yourself and agree on what's important to you. Don't flex when you're around them and stay true to that, that present self. And then see where it can evolve because the future might be a different outcome if you don't cling to the past.

So there are seven quick points around why it's important to energetically have good boundaries in relationships, how you can go about doing that and start to think differently. Know who you are. Know who they are. And you want to have clear energy boundaries between the two of you. So the three questions I'm going to leave you with, that if you can answer these you're going to have a better time of it with other people...

1. What is your greatest superpower? e.g. what is brilliant about you that that person would be honoured to be in your company? So you've got to really own who and what you are, otherwise you won't feel equal in any relationship.

2. What is your greatest shadow or challenge or thing that you don't like about yourself? It's that quality that you probably wouldn't want to show in a relationship of any kind, but probably seeps out eventually. So what is your greatest shadow? It's really good to know where your triggers and challenges are just so that when they start to come out in relationships, you can address them, you can be aware of it, you can know it, you can own it, and you can change it over time or at least integrate it.

3. I would definitely want to ask and know when you're in relationship with anyone... What are my three greatest values? Like what's so important to me that I can't break that agreement to be in a relationship with that person? So a value might be a way of thinking like security or honesty or passion or generosity or love, or it could be something like animals, ocean, nature, great coffee. I don't know. Whatever your three top ones are that you can't sacrifice, really know what they are because any relationship that you're in, if the three top ones are broken, then you're diminishing yourself by being in that relationship. So it's really important to hold true to those values, know that you won't break them. And sometimes it's really interesting to see which relationships in your life trigger them or break them. Like some people will support them and go, "Yeah, they helped me closer to those values." And some of your relationships will pull you further away. Really interesting to know.

So again, what's your greatest superpower? What's brilliant about you that people would love to have you as a friend, partner, lover, daughter, whatever? What's your greatest shadow? What really trips you up so that you get to know this and be intimate with this so there is no surprises? And what are your top three values? And when you start to really get to know those things, your relationships start to get clearer, the boundaries start to neaten up, and things operate a little bit better. This is such a huge topic. It's probably more on that from me. I could probably expand all those seven points out into a video in and of itself.

Love to hear what you think. 
Debbie :-)


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